


Call it Friendship, Call it Family, Call it Love

by itrieddontjudgeme



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Attempted Suicide, Bonding, Bones is the only smart one, Bottom Jim, Codependency, Friends to Lovers, Happy Ending, I'm a doctor not a therapist or couples counselor, Insecure Jim, Jim/Spock developing relationship, Just melancholy in parts, Leonard "Bones" McCoy & Spock Friendship, M/M, McCoy to save the day, Mild violence and physical injury, Pining, Pon Farr, Read at Your Own Risk, Spock/Jim - Freeform, This is not a dark fic I promise, This is not meant to be a representation of a healthy relationship - this is fanfiction, Top Spock, Vulcan Bond, insecure spock, no suicide or rape occur in the story or off screen but the themes are discussed, rape mention, self sacrificing idiots, thyla
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-29
Updated: 2020-01-31
Packaged: 2021-02-27 13:47:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 12,636
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22458199
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/itrieddontjudgeme/pseuds/itrieddontjudgeme
Summary: McCoy looked at the Vulcan sitting across from him and sighed in resignation. “Spock, if you’re entering Pon Farr, then we need to get you to New Vulcan in the next few days or -”“There is nothing they can do.” Spock said softly.-----------------------------------------------When Spock enters Pon Farr years earlier than expected, he reaches out to Dr. McCoy for medical assistance, fearing for the Captain’s safety should he lose control. Spock refuses to hurt the man he loves, refuses to force a bond on someone who does not share his affections. He decides to take the matter of Pon Farr into his own hands.Can Jim reach him before it’s too late?(Spoilers: yes, he can)
Relationships: James T. Kirk/Spock
Comments: 66
Kudos: 861





	1. Call it Desperation

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys! This idea has been raging in my head for more than a year so I had to put it to paper. 
> 
> This fic is a bit angsty, but there is a happy ending! That said, it does have themes addressing assisted suicide, though none takes place, and rape is mentioned, though, again, none takes place. I just wanted full disclosure in case those themes were triggering for anyone and they were something they would like to avoid. 
> 
> Alright, onward, Let me know what you think!

“Dr. McCoy, I must request a moment of -” 

“Not now Spock,” McCoy interrupted, not bothering to look up from the flurry of activity in front of him, nurses and patients moving around his sick bay with a frantic energy. “Can’t you see I’m in the middle of a disaster here? Up to my eyeballs in horseshit, and by horseshit I mean damn good-for-nothing ensigns sticking their fingers, noses, and other parts in places they got no business going!” 

The doctor gestured to an exam table where two guilty-faced young men sat; they looked down at their hands nervously as McCoy raised his voice, “Useless! You aren’t even in engineering! How did you possibly manage to electrocute yourselves?” 

McCoy stepped around Spock and turned to Nurse Chapel, “Get these two idiots bandaged up while I go to exam room 3 and deal with the Andorian who managed to get antibiotic resistant Gonorrhea in this year of our Lord 2258.”

Spock stepped in front of the doctor as he turned toward the hallway leading to the exam rooms. “Dr. McCoy, I understand your ire, but I must say that this is a matter of great -”

“Dammit hobgoblin, get out of my way! Unless it’s a life or death situation - like the ones that happen every day in this very sick bay mind you! - then it isn’t more important than what I’m doing now.” McCoy pushed past Spock and was about to round the next corner when Spock softly said, 

“Leonard, please.”

McCoy paused at the doorway, disturbed at the pleading quality of Spock’s voice, and turned back to look at the Vulcan. Spock, for the first time since McCoy had met the unfeeling bastard, looked afraid. Something had to be very wrong for Spock to look so vulnerable.

McCoy gave Spock another cursory once over before saying, “Ok Spock, go on to my office, I’ll be there in five, just let me wrap up some things and leave Nurse Chapel in charge of this dumpster fire.” Spock looked away and turned toward the direction of McCoy’s office, “Thank you doctor,” he said as he walked away.

\-----

Spock was sitting in a stoic silence, seemingly back to his usual, unflustered self by the time McCoy entered his office.

“Care to let me know what’s got your Vulcan panties all in a twist, then?” McCoy muttered as he sat down heavily on the other side of his desk.

Spock seemed to go rigid when McCoy looked up at him, Spock opened his mouth as if to begin, before he halted, closing his lips and slightly pursing them, looking over McCoy’s shoulder, eyebrows furrowed and as close to anger as McCoy had seen on that normally emotionless face. McCoy waited.

“I assume that you were briefed by the Vulcan Council before the start of this five year mission,” Spock began. “You received an overview of the different illnesses that can affect our Vulcan physiology,” Spock paused, “ the council has been more willing to share information with outsiders since the Great Loss. Much has been shared to protect the lives of the few of my species that remain.”

McCoy looked at Spock carefully, noticing the way he clenched his fists by the edge of the table, saw the slightest tinge of green along his cheeks and neck. “Is that what this is about Spock? You’re sick?” McCoy gritted out, “Why didn’t you lead with that? I’m a doctor not a mind reader! Let’s hook you up to a tricorder and see what’s wrong with you - I’ll even bring out the fancy binder of Vulcan diseases that they gave me at the summit, give you another chance to be all superior as I try to figure out what’s -”

“I know what is ailing me, doctor” Spock interrupted sharply. He looked down at his hands where they were gripping the desk and forced himself to loosen his hold. “I know what is wrong with me,” he repeated. 

“Amazing, didn’t know you were a doctor of medicine in addition to being a doctor of everything else,” McCoy said dryly. “Out with it then, what’s making you pissier than a cat in a bag?”

Spock continued to look over McCoy’s shoulder as he spoke “I assume that the representative from the Vulcan Council discussed the general details of Pon Farr with you?” Spock refused to meet McCoy’s eyes, not looking at his incredulous expression.

“The Vulcan mating cycle?” McCoy blustered. “You have got to be kidding me, you’re still an adolescent by Vulcan standards, you won’t be going into Pon Farr for another 10 years at the earliest!”

“I think I would know my own body, doctor,” Spock grit out.

McCoy met Spock’s glare head-on. “Fine then, use your 12 years of xenobiological experience to explain to me how it is physiologically possible that you would go into Pon Farr 10 years early - I’d like to hear it!” McCoy crossed his arms as he spoke and huffed.

“All animals are biologically driven to mate when the extinction of their species is imminent,” Spock said stonily.

McCoy looked at him in shock, “you’re telling me that -”

“My population was devastated, 7 billion Vulcans reduced to a scant 459,410. For the past two years every surviving Vulcan has been working toward the reconstruction of the species - finding a new homeworld, building new settlements, and repairing torn bonds. Now that a new place of security has been established, our bodies recognize that the initial trauma is over, there is now a safe place to raise new life. Our mental bonds have re-stabilized and our physiology is responding. Vulcan men between the ages of 17 and 70 human years have been succumbing gradually to the fevers of Pon Farr over the past 3.6 months. It appears that I am next.”

McCoy looked at the Vulcan sitting across from him and sighed in resignation. “Spock, if you’re entering Pon Farr, then we need to get you to New Vulcan in the next few days or -”

“There is nothing they can do.” Spock said softly.

“Stop interrupting me dammit,” said McCoy, “wait, what do you mean there’s nothing they can do? I’m not exactly hiding a Vulcan woman in my back closet that you can go at for the next three days so they’re gonna have to do something!”

Spock looked up at the ceiling of McCoy’s office, sliding his hands off the desk to clench in his lap as he responded, “The Vulcan Council is under no obligation to assist those who cannot contribute to the continuation of the species.”

McCoy looked at Spock carefully, his expression grim “What are you not telling me Spock?”

“I am a half-breed, as you so often enjoy reminding me,” Spock said calmly. “Because of this I am sterile. I would be a wasted mate for any Vulcan female.”

“Damn logical, illogical hobgoblins,” McCoy said under his breath. He then looked up at Spock sharply and said, “You mean to tell me that there are no infertile female Vulcans? No homosexual male Vulcans? No one at all they could pair you with?” McCoy counted out the options on his fingers. “You almost singlehandedly saved the asses of every Vulcan Council member and they can’t be bothered to help you find a temporary mate?”

Spock did not look up at McCoy as he responded, “I have been informed that am not a suitable mate for a Vulcan.”

“Horseshit,” McCoy said loudly as he slammed his hands on the desk. “Absolute horseshit. What a ridiculous statement. You’re the first officer of the greatest ship in the fleet, the savior of Earth and the Vulcan government, you’re from one of the oldest and richest Vulcan families, and you’re the second smartest person I know. Anyone would be lucky to have you and T’Pau and her lackies can stuff it.”

“Not that I do not appreciate your astonishing appreciation for my eligibility as a partner,” Spock said dryly, “but I am unwilling to believe that they will be swayed on the matter, regardless of the many qualities you have listed.” 

“What reasoning could they possibly have? I mean they could saddle you up with a Vulcan woman who can’t have children - what waste would that be?” McCoy asked.

“My mind is not compatible with most Vulcans. I am an extremely capable telepath, one of the strongest of our generation. This disturbs many of my kind, they feel that the bond would be uneven, that I would be able to control them in some way. This fear, coupled with the human aspects of my mind, make many of my bonds tenuous or dangerous to maintain.” Spock hesitated before speaking again. “The only fully-fledged bond that I have successfully formed and maintained was a familial bond with my mother.”

“What about your Father? And what about the betrothal bonds that tie Vulcan children to prospective mates?” McCoy questioned.

“My Father has melded with me three times in my life, all of which have been intensely uncomfortable for the both of us. He elected not to form a parental bond with me because of this,” Spock answered. “My betrothal bond with T’Pring was always weak. I only ever felt the briefest hints of her disdain for me, and even then only when she was directing the feeling. Our bond broke easily when she perished on Vulcan That Was.”

“And the mental connection is a necessary requirement for Pon Farr? You can’t just have intercourse and be done with it?” McCoy probed.

“Yes,” Spock answered. “Without the mental connection, I would not be drawn to a specific partner. I would attempt to challenge anyone who came near me, seeing them as a threat. I would not stop until I killed them.”

The doctor let out a loud sigh before looking Spock directly in the eye. “So what are our options, then?” McCoy asked. “Can we find you a partner of another species? Do they have to have telepathic abilities? A Betazoid or a Deltan maybe?”

“No, only one of the partners need be telepathic in order for a bond to form. Even psi-null species can experience the connection, though it is less… intense.” Spock looked away almost guiltily before steeling his expression once more and turning back to McCoy.

“Well, that’s a starting point then.” McCoy said. “Now Spock I know that you may not want to hear this, but we aren’t too far from Risa and I know that you have weeks of shore lea-”

“I will Not be requesting the services of a sex worker.” Spock cut him off with a vicious growl. “I refuse to be mentally tied to an individual for the rest of my life who by nature of their profession could never be loyal to me.” Spock looked murderous at the suggestion.

“Listen Spock, you may not have any other options. And it may not be your preferred profession, but sex workers are professionals and they deserve your respect.” McCoy held his hands up in placation, though his voice remained stern, “I thought you wouldn’t be the type to think of someone as a two-bit whore because of what they do for a living.”

Spock seemed to calm down as he digested McCoy’s words. “I meant no disrespect,” Spock said lowly, “Vulcans are very possessive of their mates, Pon Farr only intensifies that possessiveness and need to protect. My concern is that being mated to an individual who regularly partners with others would be dangerous for them. I would likely attempt to bond with the individual only to smell others on them or to see the memories of others in their mind. I would lash out at the challenge in the throes of Pon Farr and would likely kill them in a fit of jealousy.” Spock looked down with shame. 

“Ok so girls for hire are out,” McCoy said with a dark tone, “Does the bond have to be permanent; can you break it after Pon Farr is over?”

“Most bonds can be broken in the aftermath of Pon Farr, but it is a very painful and strenuous process for a telepath” Spock answered.

“Better painful and strenuous than dead and dead,” McCoy said. “Alright then, what’s our next option? It would have to be someone you trust enough to form an initial bond with, someone you wouldn’t perceive as a challenger, right?” McCoy paused in thought. “Maybe a crewman?”

Spock’s breath seemed to stop for a moment, his eyebrow twitched briefly as he attempted to regain control. It was enough for McCoy to notice.

“What else are you not telling me, Spock?” McCoy demanded. “Dammit how am I supposed to help you if you won’t talk to me?”

“I am talking to you!” Spock said loudly, baring his teeth. He leaned in close to McCoy as he said, “I am revealing myself to you in the most personal way a Vulcan can, I am sharing the intimate secrets of my species with you and I am dying!” Spock leaned away. “I am trying,” he said softly as he returned to his seat.

“I know Spock, I’m sorry I said that, I know you’re trying,” McCoy looked at him softly, “but you really do need to tell me everything now if we are going to save your life.”

“I did not come here for you to save my life.” Spock said quietly, voice tense.

“What did you say?” McCoy demanded, frozen by the words. “You haven’t already given up on me, have you hobgoblin? None of that damn Vulcan pessimism, you are going to tell me everything right now.” It was McCoy’s turn to lean into Spock’s face, demanding an answer.

Spock looked physically pained at the direction of the conversation. McCoy could see the toll that the early stages of Pon Farr had already taken on his body, the sheen of sweat, the furrow of his brows, the downturn of his mouth - the ever unflappable Vulcan was now as easy to read as an open book.

“I,” Spock stopped and swallowed. “I discovered that I have unintentionally created a preliminary bond with another individual,” Spock’s blank tone of voice was in contradiction to everything this body language was portraying.

“That’s a good thing isn’t it?” McCoy asked warily. “Why can’t you just ask them to temporarily bond with you, do the dirty for a few days, and move on like it never happened?”

“I would ask you not to treat the most important episode of my life thus far so callously,” Spock snarled.

“My apologies Spock,” McCoy said not sounding apologetic at all. “But that’s not an answer to my question.”

“The recipient of my affections does not return them,” Spock said coldly. “I have no desire to force myself on someone unwilling.”

“Well Spock, I’m sure that if you explained the situation, the literal life and death part I mean, I’m sure the person would -”

“I will not coerce the man I love into mating with me,” Spock said, barely keeping his temper under control. “There is no consent if there is no option to say no. I will not guilt someone into having intercourse with me. I will not rape the man for whom I hold such respect.” 

The last line was said with such finality that McCoy almost didn’t respond. “The love of your life, huh?” McCoy said. “Didn’t know you had it in you.”

“Do not mock me, doctor,” Spock said with such a feral look that McCoy was almost concerned for his own safety.

“Who is it then Spock?” McCoy probed. 

“I do not see how that is relevant to this discussion,” Spock said frostily.

“This man could save your life of course it’s relevant!” McCoy hissed angrily.

Spock leveled him with a glance that would have turned a lesser man to stone. “Use your critical reasoning skills doctor,” Spock said finally, with resignation. “Who is the only person to whom I could possibly be referring.”

“How the hell would I -” McCoy froze mid-sentence. “Jim.”

“Indeed,” Spock said, looking away from McCoy. The doctor had never seen him look so fragile.

\-------

“I see how this could be a problem,” McCoy said quietly, turning away from Spock to look through his small office window at the now empty med bay.

“Indeed,” Spock said for the second time, looking up at the ceiling, attempting to control the desperation on his features and almost, but not quite, succeeding. 

“You said that bonds can be broken, right?” McCoy said suddenly. “You could just break your bond with Jim and find someone else?”

“Incorrect doctor,” said Spock. “I said that most bonds can be broken. This one cannot.”

“Care to elaborate on that?” McCoy asked with resignation.

Spock looked over McCoy’s shoulder and tensed as he responded, “Any bond can technically be broken by an advanced telepath, but there are cases where one or both of the partners cannot recover from the mental trauma of a destroyed bond.” Spock hesitated, “to put it simply, because of my emotional and physical connection to the captain, I would subconsciously fight to keep the bond in place. The force required by the healer to remove the bond would kill me.”

“Well that would defeat the whole purpose,” McCoy stated. 

“Indeed,” Spock replied solemnly.

“So what do we do now?” McCoy asked, finally turning back to Spock.

Spock remained silent for a moment before responding, “We do nothing.” The silence in the room was oppressive.

“No, I refuse to accept that, there has to be something, you can’t just resign yourself to -”

“There is nothing we can do,” Spock repeated, leaving no room for discussion.

McCoy continued to push, “So that’s it then? What do you intend to do? Die?”

Spock remained silent.

“That is what you’re going to do isn’t it?” McCoy demanded. “This isn’t a consultation for a treatment, this is a request for assisted suicide!”

Spock turned his gaze back to the doctor and met his furious expression with a neutrally blank face, “you do not understand the necessity of -”

“Letting you die is not an option, and helping you kill yourself definitely isn’t one!” McCoy exploded. “There has to be another wa-”

“There is No. Other. Way.” Spock said dangerously. “Let me elaborate for you doctor. Let me list out my options for you. Let me shed some light on this situation.” Spock’s eyes were cold and hard, his hands clenching the desk with enough force to crack the edges.

“Option 1, I restrain myself to my quarters and attempt to meditate for the duration of my Pon Farr. My mind calls out to a mate that I cannot reach, I attempt to shut down my mind, block out the need. I lay there in intense suffering for days, finally succumbing to the fever. Either I perish in the flames of Pon Farr, or I awaken on the other side, drained but alive. And driven to complete, feral insanity.”

“Option 2, I attempt to restrain myself to my quarters, but the fever comes on too strong. I rip through the door to my quarters and then through any crewman standing in my way as I search for the Captain. Tell me doctor, how do you think the crew could handle an enraged telepath with three times the strength of anyone else on board? An animal running on complete instinct toward a singular goal? I would shred their minds like paper before they even reached for their phasers. Those that would be able to get within fighting distance would be rendered to pieces. And what do you think I would do when I got to the captain? Do you think I would be gentle? After fighting my way through dozens of challengers, how do you think I would claim my prize?” 

Spock growled low in his throat. McCoy heard the desk snap under his fingers. Spock raged on.

“Option 3, I tell the Captain everything, and he, out of a misguided sense of loyalty and friendship for me, decides to sacrifice himself for my survival. I, unable to control myself in the throes of Pon Farr, then brutally rape and mentally assault the person that I value most in this universe. I tie him to me in a way that cannot be undone. I would live the rest of my life bonded in the most intimate way to a man who does not love me, to a man I had brutalized in every conceivable way. He would never be able to be with another. I would stifle him, limit his freedom, force him to live with the memory of his own victimization. If he did not hate me for it immediately, he would grow to resent me in time. I could not live with myself if I did that to him.”

Spock took a deep breath, attempting to regain his composure. He released the desk. 

“And we have Option 4, the only real option.” Spock said finally, he paused.

“The option where I help you die,” McCoy replied quietly.

“The option where you prevent me from causing harm to anyone else,” Spock corrected. “The option where I do not die alone and in pain.”

“You think your death won’t cause him harm?” McCoy exploded, looking at Spock incredulously. “How do you think Jim will respond when he finds out that you died and he could have prevented it? You’re his best friend in the world, this will crush him.”

“The captain has survived worse, and most importantly, he will survive,” Spock said simply.

“And I’ll be there to pick up the pieces like always,” McCoy sighed in resignation. McCoy wiped his hand down his face and pinched his nose before turning back to Spock.

“Hypothetically,” he began, “if I decided to help you, hypothetically, how would you go about it?”

“I have my family’s Katric Arc in my quarters. I would ask that you assist me in placing a part of my Katra there so that it can be returned to my father on New Vulcan. That will be my spirit’s final resting place,” Spock began.

“I would then request that you bring a neural paralyzer and 6 ccs of Theragen to my quarters. I will do the rest,” Spock said, remaining calm and unblinking as he spoke of his own death.

McCoy took a deep breath and then looked up at Spock, meeting his eyes. “Are you sure you want to do this?” He asked.

“I want to protect him and the crew. The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few,” he broke eye contact with McCoy before continuing. “Or the one,” he finished softly.

“Alright Spock, how much time do we have to come up with a better idea before Pon Farr takes over completely?” 

“I have explained to you, there is no other -”

“Then we’ll cross that bridge when we get there Spock, and not a moment before. How long?” McCoy asked again.

“Approximately 51.6 hours,” Spock replied.

\----

“Mr. Spock! There you are, I feel like I haven’t seen you around in days!” Captain Kirk said loudly as Sock entered the mess. 

Several crew members looked over at the sound of the Captain’s voice. Jim was not an idiot, he knew when someone was avoiding him, and he knew how to cause a scene. Now Spock either had to talk to him, or risk running out of the mess hall with no food as his team from the labs looked on curiously. 

Spock’s eyebrow twitched as he walked over to Jim, he showed no other emotion on his blank face, but Jim could tell that something was off, had been off for a while. 

“Good evening Captain, and I do believe I saw you .89 hours ago on the bridge. Do you miss my presence so much?” Spock asked. Normally when Spock made sarcastic comments like that, there was a slight twinkle in his eye, a ghost of a smile on his lips. Now there was nothing, just a blank, dispassionate stare.

Jim sidled up next to Spock in line for the replicator, intending to say something equally bitchy, when Spock flinched away from the bump of their shoulders. There was a sharp cracking sound and both looked down to see that Spock had snapped his tray clean in half.

“Spock -” Jim started to say as he reached his hand out to grab the broken tray.

“NO.” Spock said too loudly and reared back abruptly when Jim’s hand was mere inches from his own. Jim started and pulled back quickly, putting his hands up in defense.

“My apologies Captain, I find that I am no longer in need of sustenance,” Spock turned away and was out of the mess hall before Jim could even think of a response.

McCoy sat in the back of the hall watching the interaction. He sipped his coffee quietly, sitting alone, food untouched. About 18 hours to go, and Spock was rapidly getting worse.

\------

Half an hour after the encounter in the mess hall, Jim was standing outside of Spock’s quarters debating how to get his friend to talk. Spock had been on edge all week, ruder and more insensitive than usual. But the more alarming thing about the whole situation, was that Spock seemed to alternate between periods of complete, cold emotional control and episodes of emotional chaos, switching from a blank faced expression in one moment to shouting and reducing a yeoman to tears in the next. It was like his Human and Vulcan halves had been split apart and were now at war with each other. Jim was concerned.

“Captain, I must request that you either state your business or leave my quarters immediately.” Jim started, not having heard the automatic doors open, announcing Spock’s arrival. 

Alright, this round was emotional Spock, Jim could do this.

“My business is that you’ve been a regular jackass the past couple of days and I’m here to find out why,” Jim said bluntly. “Your team has been complaining about a level of ruthlessness higher than your usual impossible standards, and you’ve been avoiding the bridge crew like we have the plague. I’m going to need an explanation Spock.”

“I owe you nothing. You should not interfere,” Spock said darkly, injecting so much venom into his tone that Jim took a step back. Spock smiled briefly at the admission of fear, a dark ugly twist of his lips. “Leave this place Captain, you will find no answers here.”

Jim rammed his foot in the doorway as Spock pressed the sensors to close the door. “No. I am not going to be cowed by your bitchiness, Spock. I am your Captain and your friend and I will not let you keep wallowing or whatever it is you’re doing. You’re hurting yourself and the rest of us and it has to stop.” 

Jim sighed and ran his hands through his hair, “tell me how I can help.”

Spock glanced up at Jim’s honest, open face and leaned in slightly toward him, Jim opened his mouth briefly as if to say something else, but before he could, Spock pressed his lips to the side of Jim’s head, next to his temple, and whispered, “you can leave.” 

Jim felt two fingers slam directly into his solar plexus pushing him back with bruising intention and forcing his body out of the way of the door sensors. Spock stepped back and the door abruptly closed in front of him.

Jim looked at the closed door in shock, and let out a short hysteric laugh in the empty hall, rubbing is chest. 

“Absolutely fucking not.” Jim said resolutely. “I’m getting my fucking answers you pointy eared, self righteous asshole.”

Jim dropped to his knees and quickly ripped the sensor panel off the wall next to the door and proceeded to hot wire his way into Spock’s room. After 3 minutes of fiddling and heating up his standard issue pocket knife with his phaser to weld the necessary wires together, Jim got the door open.

Jim took three steps into the room, letting the door slam behind him, sensors ruined. “Now that you can’t hide behind your fucking door are you going to -”

Jim’s airway was abruptly cut off as he felt a slender, inhumanly strong hand grip his throat. “I thought I told you to Leave,” Spock said dangerously, only inches from his face. 

How had he moved so fast? 

Jim stood there frozen, back up against the wall next to the door, Spock pressed up against him nose to hip, no room to move, no way to breathe. This was the closest he’d been to Spock since that episode on the bridge more than three years ago, their poses eerily familiar, Spock’s hand around his throat, rage and determination on his face.

Spock's grip on Jim’s neck lessened, but he did not release him. Instead, Spock leaned in and pressed his nose to the underside of Jim’s chin, right above his hand, and growled. It was a possessive, animal sound. A warning not to move.

Jim held perfectly still, waiting to see how Spock would respond. He tried to keep his breathing calm. 

Abruptly, he was flipped around so that his face was pressed into the wall. Spock’s left hand still around his throat, face behind his ear, his right hand moved to Jim’s hip. Jim flinched at the contact and moved his hand in an attempt to grab Spock’s wrist. An inhuman growl flooded Jim’s system with adrenaline and he began to struggle in earnest. Spock flipped their hands and grabbed Jim's wrist, pinning it to the wall. Jim heard an ugly cracking sound and let out a cry of pain. 

Spock let go immediately and dropped him as if he was on fire. Jim turned around, briefly seeing a panicked expression flicker across Spock’s face before it was forcibly shuttered by his usual calm facade.

Spock reached for his personal com and dialed quickly, “Doctor McCoy, I must request that you come to my quarters immediately. The Captain has been injured and will need assistance getting to medbay.” Spock paused, “bring the items we discussed, I fear that we do not have as much time as I suspected.” Spock disconnected the call and turned away from Jim.

Jim cradled his broken wrist in his hand as he slid down the wall to the floor. Spock sat down on the edge of his bed and put his face in his hands. “My apologies Captain. I lost control.”

“What. The. Fuck. Spock.” Jim said through clenched teeth, “what the fuck is going on?”

McCoy chose that moment to burst into Spock’s quarters, he grabbed Jim by his good arm and pulled him out of the room. As they left, McCoy threw a medical bag at Spock.

“Thank you, Doctor,” Spock said softly. 

“Don’t thank me, I’m still convinced we’re making a giant mistake.”

McCoy turned back to Jim, taking in his confused and furious expression. “What are you two keeping from me? What is going on here?” Jim yelled, he made eye contact with Spock just as the doors closed again, their depths held a sadness that Jim had never seen before. 

Then the world went dark.


	2. Call It Inspiration

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here ya'll go - the part you've been waiting for! Are you ready to get to the interesting bit?

“You drugged me you son of bitch!” Jim said as soon as he was able to sit up on his cot in medbay. “I need to know what the fuck is going on right now or I will throw both of you in the brig for insubordination.”

“Insubordination,” McCoy laughed humorlessly, “that’s rich coming from you.”

Jim leveled McCoy with a look not dissimilar to the one Spock gave him yesterday morning in this very medbay. “Fine, I’ll tell you. It goes against all of Spock’s wishes, but I’ll tell you. But you have to promise me that you won’t do anything stupid.”

Jim’s look only grew in intensity. McCoy sighed, “yeah I figured that would be too much to ask.”

McCoy pulled a seat out next to the cot and sat down. “Have you ever heard of Pon Farr?”

\-----

“That son of a bitch, he really wasn’t going to tell me? He was just going to die without letting me know? Without letting me help? Without giving me a chance to say goodbye?” Jim said furiously, before getting up from the cot and running toward the medbay exit. It was only by the grace of the drugs still in his system that McCoy was able to catch up to him.

“Where the fuck do you think you’re going?” McCoy yelled as he grabbed Jim around the waist, pulling him back toward the cot. 

“We can’t let Spock take the Theragen, we have to stop him from killing himself.” Jim said as he continued to weakly struggle against McCoy.

“Don’t worry, I only gave him a neural paralytic and a muscle relaxer - I’m not letting that idiot die just yet.” McCoy said darkly. 

Jim stopped struggling and looked up at the doctor, “Do you have a plan?”

“No,” McCoy said calmly, “but I do have two self sacrificing idiots and a hunch.”

\----

Spock came to awareness slowly, he could feel the warmth of the room, the air thick with the smell of Vulcan incense. His head felt heavy and his mind felt as if it was stuffed with cotton. His body felt like it was on fire.

He attempted to sit up, to reorient himself on instinct - it was then that Spock realize he couldn’t move. Rage flooded him in an instant, a vicious anger that he could not control, tempered only by a vague sense of dread sitting in the back of his mind. 

A hand on his forehead brought him back to awareness. 

“I am so, so angry with you,” Jim said quietly, his voice had an odd quality to it, soft and sad and at odds with his words. Jim moved his hand back from Spock’s forehead and began to stroke his hair gently. 

“Do you know how many people I’ve lost Spock?” Jim asked, his voice even softer than before. 

“Almost everyone I have ever loved has abandoned me,” Jim murmured. “Or,” Jim’s voice gained an edge of steel, “they died.” Jim gritted his teeth and looked away from Spock before continuing, “I was too weak to stop them, too young, not smart enough, not brave enough.” 

His hands abruptly stopped cording through Spock’s hair only to grip it roughly, pulling Spock’s head to the left so that he could see Jim’s face.

The look in Jim’s eyes was intense and dark, he looked ready for a fight. 

“But not now,” Jim said, he voice growing louder as if to make sure Spock heard him. “Now I am strong enough, and I will not let anyone else die. I am going to save you, even if you hate me for it.”

Fear crept up the back of Spock’s spine as realization set in, the memories flooded back to his mind. Pon Farr, Jim, his attempted suicide.  _ Why wasn’t he dead? Why was Jim here? _

“Did you really think Bones and I would let you go that easily?” Jim said, looking directly into Spock’s eyes. “He gave you the neural tranquilizer like you asked, that’s why you can’t move. But he gave you a muscle relaxer instead of Theragen. Harmless, but useful for what comes next.” Jim looked down at Spock, a determined look on his face.

The fear Spock felt upon waking only intensified when he realized what Jim meant, what Jim intended to do. Spock could feel the warmth seeping into him, his bare skin pressed against Jim’s. It was only then that he noticed that they were both fully nude. Jim must have stripped him while he was unconscious. Spock tried to speak, tried to move, but it was futile. 

Spock tried to clear his mind. Based on the faint tingling he could now feel in his fingertips, he estimated that the neural tranquilizer wouldn’t leave his system for at least another 15 minutes. He was at Jim’s mercy, and soon, Jim would be at his.

“You won’t be able to move for a little while longer, so I’m going to use this time to explain a few things to you,” Jim began.

“First off, you are the most important person in my life. You and Bones are the closest thing I have ever had to a real family and I will never give that up. Never,” Jim said the words with such conviction that Spock felt them like a physical blow.

“Second, Bones told me everything,” Spock knew that Jim could feel the tension in his body as he said the words. “I know that you love me. I know that I am the only person who can do this for you,” Jim said softly. “And I am going to do it.”

“I would do anything for you, anything you asked for, anything you needed,” Jim continued. His voice was raw and Spock could see the dampness at the corners of his eyes. Jim had been crying, and he was using all of his strength to hold himself back now.

Jim took a gasping breath and his grip tightened in Spock’s hair. “I feel a connection to you unlike anything I’ve felt in my entire life. The moment I saw you from across the control room when I took the fucking Kobayashi Maru for the first time, I knew that you would be a part of my life,” Jim said, looking down at Spock once more. “At first I thought you’d be my mortal enemy, the anal retentive professor with a streak of perfectionism so wide it drowned out any other personality traits he might have. I thought I hated you, I was obsessive about it.” Jim laughed humorlessly.

“I sat in the back of your classes, went to your xenolinguistics club meetings, broke into your office,” Jim looked up at the ceiling. “I did whatever I could to learn more about you, to see if I could explain the tight feeling in my chest that settled into my ribcage the first moment I saw you.”

“And of course I had to beat your fucking test,” Jim said darkly. “I wanted that to be the first time you noticed me. I hid myself well, and waited for my dramatic entrance.” Jim looked back down at him as he continued, “and then you wiped the fucking floor with me in front of the entire academy.”

“I hated you in that moment,” Jime said. “I thought I’d hate you forever. But then Vulcan happened.” Jim’s grip on his hair lessened.

“The look in your eyes as you wrapped your hand around my neck made me realize something,” Jim looked Spock directly in the eyes. “You were just as damaged as me, and you felt it too. Our strange connection - I could almost see the link connecting my chest to yours. We both knew in that moment that I was the only person in the universe who could have gotten that reaction out of you.”

Jim began stroking his hair again, “that was the moment I stopped hating you. The moment I realized this connection was bigger than I thought. Bigger than anything else in my life would be.”

Jim looked at him softly as he spoke the next words, “and I was right. Despite everything, you became my first officer. You decided to take a leap of faith and stand by my side.”

Jim looked him in the eyes then, they were dark and sad and angry, “I knew the moment that you came to stand by me on the bridge for the first time that you would never leave me. That this was a lifetime commitment. That I could trust you to fight me on everything every step of the way, but that you would be a constant in my life all the same.”

“But I was wrong.”

Jim’s eyes hardened as he continued, “you gave up. You tried to leave me just like everyone else.” Spock looked at the determined set of Jim’s jaw, took in the sharpness of his features and the rage coming off him in waves.

“But I’m not giving up on you. I’m not giving up on this connection between us that I know is real,” Jim said with finality.

“Call it friendship, call it family, call it love - call it whatever the fuck you want.” Jim grabbed the back of Spock’s neck and pressed their foreheads together. “I already have a lifelong bond with you Spock,” Jim whispered. “And today we’re going to make it official.” Jim paused and moved back slightly to look Spock in the eyes once more. “And you are never going to leave my side again.”

The grip on the back of his neck tightened and suddenly Jim was kissing him, slow and soft, gentle. Spock could feel the neural tranquilizer beginning to wear off as he registered Jim’s words and the feeling of his lips. 

_ Call it friendship, call it family, call it love. _ Jim had said. The words triggered something deep inside Spock’s katra.  _ Friend, Brother, Lover. _

“Th’y’la,” Spock gasped against Jim’s lips as he regained control of his body. He moved faster than he ever had before, flipping Jim under him and sliding his body down into the v between Jim’s thighs. Spock pulled away from Jim’s lips to press his face into Jim’s neck softly, scenting him and resting in the crook of his shoulder. 

Jim slid his hands around Spock’s back, holding him tightly to his chest. “Welcome back,” Jim said breathlessly, “you idiot.”

Spock pressed his face more firmly into Jim’s neck, trying to breathe in his very essence.

“Th’y’la,” Spock repeated. “My Th’y’la,” Louder this time, with a hint of a possessive growl at the end. Spock put his teeth against Jim’s neck, daring him to back down.

“Yours,” Jim gasped out, “In whatever way you’ll have me.” Then he leaned his head back fully, presenting his neck to Spock, granting submission. Spock felt his animal instinct rising up within him, he kissed down Jim’s neck softly before biting down roughly at the junction of his neck and shoulder, marking him with his teeth.

Jim gasped again, louder this time, and threw his head back, granting Spock permission to continue.

Spock released his hold on Jim’s neck and reached his hand up to stroke the psi points on the side of Jim’s face, silently asking for permission to take the final step.

Jim reached up, sliding two fingers along the back of Spock’s arm in a faint Vulcan kiss until he reached Spock’s wrist. 

“Make me yours,” Jim said. “I never want to be alone in my mind again.” Jim pressed Spock’s hand to his temple, “Put yourself exactly where you belong, Spock.”

Spock met Jim’s eyes, searching for any hint of hesitation. Jim stared back at him head on, the only emotion that Spock could define, was an intense need that seemed to match his own. Spock closed his eyes, and fell into Jim’s mind.

\--------------

Radiant silver starlight surrounded him, a calm warmth filled every fiber of his being and a feeling of safety and security cradled him gently. Spock had never felt so at peace. He relaxed into the flow, letting the warmth lap over him in waves, washing away the distress of the last few years, lessening the crushing feeling of loneliness. 

He reached further into Jim’s mind, the stream of silver-gold light seemed to pull him gently along. Laying there, moving slowly with the current of light, Spock heard Jim’s voice.

“You are so beautiful,” Jim whispered brokenly. Spock looked up, hearing the distress in Jim’s voice despite his words. Jim was standing at the edge of the stream of light, not facing Spock, but rather looking out into the midnight blue expanse of where Spock’s mind met his. Jim reached out as if to touch the glittering stars and colorful nebula swirling through the great void. Spock felt the gentle caress at the back of his mind.

Spock stood up from the stream, reaching out to return Jim’s touch, concerned by his tone and needing to offer comfort. “Jim, what is -”

Jim suddenly turned to face him. “I don’t know what I did in my miserable life to deserve this,” Jim began, “but I am a selfish man Spock, and I am never going to let you go.” 

Spock wrapped his arms around Jim’s waist and held him to his chest. “Then it is a good thing, ashayam, that you will never have to. I will be holding on just as tightly.” Jim clutched onto Spock so firmly that had it been his corporeal form, it would have driven the breath from Spock’s lungs.

“The bond, our bond, once you make it, it can’t be broken, right?” desperation seeped into Jim’s tone at the thought. “You wouldn’t -” Jim started before taking a gasping breath, “you wouldn’t be able to leave me, right?” Spock could feel the sadness in Jim’s voice surrounding him, the feeling ricocheting through Jim’s mind. 

Spock paused, attempting to phrase an appropriate answer. It wasn’t until Spock felt Jim’s grip loosen and an intense wave of longing and the fear of abandonment slammed into him from all sides that Spock realized he had taken too long to respond. 

Spock gripped tightly at Jim’s arms. “No, no, Jim, k’diwa,” Spock said softly. “You misunderstand, I feel the same. I desire our bond with everything I have, with everything I am,” Spock whispered as he pressed his forehead against Jim’s. “But I must be honest with you Jim,” Spock began again, “the bond can be broken, should you wish.” He felt Jim tense in his arms. “It would be a painful process for you, but there would be no lasting damage to your psyche should you wish to remove it.” 

Jim had frozen in Spock’s arms, not having moved since Spock began his explanation. Finally, he looked up at Spock and said, “Why do you keep saying  _ ‘if I want to remove the bond?’ _ What about if you want to remove it?”

“I will not,” Spock said simply. Jim pulled back and looked at him closely, his eyes demanding a more thorough answer.

“Jim, you must realize by now that you are everything to me - my closest friend, my brother in arms, and the love I hold most dear. You are my Th’y’la, to use a human turn of phrase, you are ‘it’ for me. I will never love another.” Spock looked away from Jim as he continued, “I would never let you go, I would hold on to you subconsciously regardless of whether you wanted to keep the bond or not.” 

Spock glanced down, refusing to look at Jim as he finished speaking, “Severing the bond would kill me, for my very Katra knows that I would rather die than live without you here with me.” 

At his words, Jim crushed Spock to him with an intensity that the Vulcan had never experienced. “Bond us now,” Jim said tightly. “Tell me what to do so that I never have to hear you sound like that again. Tell me what to do so I can keep you.” 

Spock relaxed his hold on Jim’s waist and reached for his hand, “come with me.” Jim followed Spock closely as they turned toward the vast blue expanse of Spock’s mind. 

Without turning to face Jim, Spock said, “later there will be time for me to show you every memory I have of you, of every step in my journey toward loving you, of everything I feel for you.” 

Jim brushed his fingers down the length of Spock’s spine lovingly, attempting to push his own feelings toward the vulcan. Spock shivered at the touch before continuing, “now I am taking you to the very center of my mind, the place where my familial bond with my mother once stood.”

\-----

Swirling tendrils of brilliant silver caressed Jim’s hand as he reached out toward the most beautiful sight he had ever encountered. 

Spock’s central bonding cortex was laid out before him, a swell of light flooding the misty blue-black background of the rest of Spock’s mind. It was how Jim imagined a reverse black hole might look, standing out amongst the darkness of space, radiating light and life into the void. The vibrant stars and nebulas that seemed so bright before now faded into the background as Jim stared at the sight before him. He started to cry.

“Jim,” Spock said softly. Had he not felt Jim’s emotions, the intense reaction to seeing his bonding cortex would have alarmed him. “You need not feel sad for me, Jim.”

“I can feel your loneliness here,” Jim said, tears silently falling down his cheeks. “I never knew you felt so alone. I could have done something sooner, I could have reached out. Spock, I’m -”

Spock brushed his hand against the side of Jim’s face, silencing him. Spock looked away from Jim and looked into the light, “Jim, ashaya, you are the only reason this star continues to burn. The light would have gone out with the fall of Vulcan, with the death of my mother, had you not remained by my side to keep it aflame.” 

Spock reached out to the same tendrils that had been caressing Jim’s hand. “These are the beginnings of our bond,” Spock said softly. “These are the thin strands that have held you to me all these years.”

Spock faced Jim again, moving his hands up to cup either side of Jim’s face. “I stand before you, bearing my Katra, my very soul, to you,” Spock said, his tone warm and gentle. “I love you, with all that I am, and I need you in this moment more than I have ever needed anything or anyone in my life.” 

Spock took a breath to steady himself before looking deeply into Jim’s eyes. “But I will not take this from you,” Spock said firmly. “You must decide now if you wish to continue. There will be no going back.”

Spock rubbed his thumbs under Jim’s jawline before smoothing them back over his temples. “Either you give yourself, all of yourself, to me completely, every day for the rest of your life, or you walk away now, free, alive, unburdened,” the words shattered out of Spock like broken glass, as if they pained him to hear them aloud. Spock rested his forehead against Jim’s as he continued, “I will not force you, I will never force you. But after this moment, I will not be able to let you go.”

Jim raised his face slightly against Spock’s to brush their noses together and whispered his response against Spock’s lips, “You have always been mine - now make me yours.”

Spock looked up with a fire in his eyes, hands shaking as he pulled Jim to him and turned them both toward the bonding cortex. Jim felt a brief pressure at the base of his skull before everything around him exploded in a swirl of bright silver and gold. 

The stream from earlier, the warmth of Jim’s mind that had caressed Spock with its waves of light, now stood in front of them, flowing from the bonding cortex as if simultaneously pulling light from it and feeding it, growing it brighter. It was a pure balance of give and take, both of their minds strengthening the other, flowing in and out as needed, taking and providing support in equal amounts.

It was the physical manifestation of their bond, and it was the most beautiful thing Spock had ever seen.

“Parted from me and never parted,” Spock breathed softly. “Never and always touching and touched.”

Both relaxed as they felt the bond flow into place, feeling the cresting and falling of each wave of emotion from the other. The place where their minds joined had transformed into a radiant endless sea of golden-silver light, haloed by a background of infinite space filled with stars and nebulas and entire galaxies.

They were not allowed to bask in the peace of their new bond for long.

Jim tensed suddenly as he felt a wave of heat slam into him across the bond. He turned to Spock only to see him stumble. Jim grabbed Spock before he could fall, cradling his tall form to his chest as best he could. As Spock’s head lolled back, Jim could see the black of his eyes, pupils dilated so large that they obscured the iris and most of the white. Spock let out a pained, animal sound as Jim tightened his grip.

“Pull us out of the meld Spock!” Jim said urgently, “it’s time, I’m going to help you through this!”

“Jim, Jim,” Spock moaned low in his throat. “I am losing control completely, the Plak Tow is setting in,” Spock gasped and arched his back in pain. “When I -” Spock heaved out a painful breath, “When I pull us out of the bond I will be an animal, I will take from you -”

“Listen to me Spock,” Jim interrupted, “I made my choice long ago, and I’m ready.” Jim looked his bondmate in the eyes, a fierce expression on his face. “I’m your mate now Spock,” Jim said with steel in his voice. “So fucking mate me.”

\-----

Jim fell out of the bond, hitting the mattress as Spock pushed him down with a possessive growl. Jim did his best to relax into the touch, arching his spine and bearing his neck to Spock in submission. 

Jim tried to remember what McCoy had told him in the medbay to prepare him for this. Jim’s mind was still dazed from being abruptly pulled from the meld. He tried to think of the specifics of McCoy’s warnings, if only because he knew that Spock would never forgive himself if he hurt him.

_ “I know you’re gonna go in there kid, and while it may be a fool stupid thing to do, I’m gonna help you,” McCoy said as he was setting Jim’s wrist, fixing up the last of the damage from Jim’s last run-in with Spock. “Remember, try to stay calm and relaxed, present submissively -”  _

_ Jim squawked indignantly, “I’m not just going to lay there and think of Vulcan or whatever you seem to think -” _

_ “If Spock perceives you as a challenger, he’ll kill you,” McCoy said bluntly. “So get over yourself and bare your neck or he’ll rip out your throat.”  _

_ Jim grew very quiet. “Having second thoughts?” McCoy asked. _

_ “No,” Jim said with finality. “I’m going to save him. And we’re both going to enjoy it if it’s the last thing either of us do.” _

_ “Jesus, kid,” McCoy sighed. “Well at least the fracture in your wrist was only a hairline one, that part of you should be fine at least.” _

_ McCoy stepped away from the cot and walked over to the medbay supply closet. He reached into the middle drawer and pulled out a medium sized bottle. “Here,” McCoy said as he threw the bottle at Jim’s head. “You’re going to need this,” he smirked. _

_ Jim looked down at the massive bottle of lube in his hands and let out a hysteric laugh.  _

_ “Go take care of yourself,” McCoy said gruffly. “Spock isn’t going to be in any state of mind to do it for you.” _

_ “Gee thanks for the suggestion,” Jim said irritably. McCoy laughed, “It’s got analgesic gel in it too, the numbing should help ease the pain of having a Vulcan stick up your ass for 3 days straight.” _

_ “This isn’t fucking funny, Bones,” Jim grit out sharply. A heavy feeling settled between the two of them, all attempts at lightening the mood forgotten as they focused on what was at stake. _

_ “I know,” McCoy said softly, looking down at his hands. “Believe me Jim, I know.” _

Jim was pulled abruptly out of his thoughts by a sharp bite to the underside of his jaw. Spock growled a warning and Jim firmly committed to giving Spock one hundred percent of his attention.

Spock hummed as Jim arched his neck back and spread his legs, granting Spock more room to settle between his hips and grind down. Jim let out a soft whine at the friction, which seemed to spur Spock on even more, he chased the sound with his mouth, biting down none to softly on Jim’s bottom lip and opening his mouth to an onslaught of lips, tongue and teeth.

Spock’s left hand slid down Jim’s side to grip his hip with bruising force, pulling Jim’s body up off the bed as his right hand slid up Jim’s back to grip the nape of his neck, locking Jim in place with his lips against Spock’s. 

In this position, Jim could do little else but give himself over to the brutal kiss and shallowly rock his hips against Spock’s, searching for friction against his cock. 

Any fears that Jim had about not being able to get it up flew out the window in that moment. He had been slightly worried about what his reaction would be to being manhandled since he wasn’t usually open to being vulnerable with his previous partners and wasn’t a fan of mixing pleasure and pain. For all his bravado to McCoy, he had half expected Spock to hold him down and take and take and take. He had been afraid.

But now he saw that there was nothing to fear. Spock’s touch was rough and his grip was bruising, but there was no anger behind it, only desperation. Spock didn’t want to hurt him, and Jim knew deep down that Spock wouldn’t do any lasting damage, he could feel the undercurrent of possessive protectiveness at the back of the bond that would prevent Spock from going too far.

Spock released Jim’s mouth with a growl and licked down his neck, mouthing back up the wet line with biting kisses, leaving marks as he went. Jim pushed up into Spock’s mouth, relaxing the back of his head in Spock’s firm grip.

Spock let out an animal sound of need and released Jim’s neck, letting Jim’s head fall to the pillow behind him. Spock balanced his weight on his right hand as slid his left up from Jim’s hip to support his lower back. 

Lifting up slightly on his knees, Spock settled into a low crouch over Jim’s body and roughly slid him him down the bed as he pressed their bodies together from hip to chest. Jim arched up into Spock’s solid form, the movement finally bringing their dicks together. 

Spock rutted against Jim with a low whine, searching for more, needing more. Jim finally lifted his own hand to the side of Spock’s face and lifted his chin to look him in the eyes. 

“Remember what I said Spock,” Jim said in a low voice, thick with feeling. “Take what you need,” he murmured. “Take me.”

Spock shuddered at the sound of Jim’s voice, meeting his gaze head on before shifting more of his weight to his knees and using his left hand to lift Jim up and closer. Jim was lying on his back, his lower half splayed over Spock’s thighs, his back arched and held up by Spock’s firm hand. 

Spock moved his right hand form the bed to rest gently on the side of Jim’s face.

“Taluhk nash-veh,” Spock whispered.  _ I cherish thee. _

Then Jim was roughly pulled down, Spock entering him in one deep thrust. Jim only had a moment to savor the full feeling and thank his past self for his prep work, before Spock pressed his fingers tightly against his face and Jim’s whole world went white. 

\-------

Jim was exhausted.

Truly, he had never been this fucking tired - or tired of fucking - in his entire life. He had attempted to rest in the brief intervals that Spock was asleep, but he quickly discovered that time would be better spent relieving himself, hydrating himself, and preparing himself for the next round.

Spock had been relentless. Jim had lost track of how many times he had been on his back and on his knees and everything in between. 

Not to say that it had been bad. No, Spock had a magnificent cock and the things he could make Jim feel using the bond were truly unlike anything he had ever felt in his life. But a man could only take so much before his body refused to cooperate. Jim’s dick had given up on the idea of participating in the proceedings after round eleven. Honestly he was kind of proud of it for lasting as long as it did.

Spock had been slowing down for the last few hours and Jim hoped that this whole ordeal would be over soon. Spock was asleep on the bed next to him, his eyes fluttering restlessly under his lids.

Jim took a deep breath and looked away from Spock, attempting to focus on his own body and take stock of his injuries. 

_ Two bruised ribs _ , Spock had gripped him a little too tightly during the early stages when he had flipped Jim onto his stomach. 

_ Fractured wrist, _ from when Spock had held his hands tightly above his head.  _ Damn, same one that Bones fixes earlier, he’s going to be pissed _ , Jim thought. 

Jim’s neck was raw from shoulder to jaw line with bite marks and sucking bruises, in fact, his whole body was littered with bruises, impressions of Spock’s fingerprints making themselves known across his body.

Based on the burning in his lower regions, Jim also knew there had to be some tearing, he hoped it was nothing more serious.

Satisfied that he had examined the worst of his own injuries, Jim laid back down on the bed. He was in pain, but it was manageable. He had used the muscle relaxers and painkillers and ointments in the med-kit that Bones had provided. All-in-all, it was better than either of them had expected - no serious breaks, nothing that a quick trip to med bay and a day or two of rest wouldn’t solve.

Jim was pressing lightly against the ring of bruises around his wrist when he heard a wounded sound from beside him. 

Jim turned quickly to look at Spock, who appeared to have just woken up from a deep sleep. The expression on his face was one of pure, horrified shock. Spock reached out a hand as if to caress Jim’s wrist before he pulled back abruptly and clenched his fingers into a fist.

“I did this,” Spock said brokenly. “I did this to you.” Spock looked devastated, it was so close to the expression that he wore when his mother died, that Jim couldn't take it.

“I’m fine, Spock,” he said quietly. “I’m fine. I chose this. I chose  _ you _ .” Jim reached out to touch Spock’s shoulder only for him to flinch back.

“No, no, no,” Spock said shaking his head. “No, no,” he repeated as he put his face in his hands.

Abruptly, Jim felt something cold settle over his spine, as if a switch had been turned off in his head. He felt a sudden empty blankness in the back of his mind where he had become accustomed to warmth.

“Absolutely not you son of a bitch,” Jim said loudly as he threw himself at Spock, grabbing Spock’s hair in one hand and wrenching his head back.

“Put it BACK,” Jim shouted as he grabbed Spock’s wrist with his other hand. “Put it back! You promised. You said this was forever. You Promised,” Jim snarled at Spock and pressed his hand more firmly against his meld points, trying to push his thoughts back into Spock’s mind.

“You said I would never be alone again,” Jim whispered savagely.

Spock remained silent and unmoving. Jim looked up at his face and tears welled up in his eyes at the blankness in Spock’s expression. The horror and desperation had been replaced by a cold, stillness, showing none of the passion that Jim had felt over the past few days.

Jim let Spock’s hand fall from his face. He searched Spock’s eyes for something, any evidence that he remembered the glittering sea of silver-gold and the star filled sky from their meld. That he remembered their bond.

Jim saw nothing.

“I thought Vulcans didn’t lie, Mr. Spock,” Jim said quietly. Spock remained silent.

The lack of reaction broke Jim and he turned away from Spock abruptly. He was about to stand up from the bed when he felt a flicker of something at the back of his mind. 

He stopped.

“No,” Jim said quietly and turned back to Spock. “I didn’t give up on you before, and I’m not giving up on you now.”

Jim reached out and pulled Spock to him with all the strength he had left. Jim slammed their lips together in a rough kiss, pulling away after a short moment to press his forehead against Spock’s. 

“I know it’s still there,” Jim whispered against Spock’s lips. “I can feel it, barely there, but I can feel it.” Jim gripped the back of Spock’s neck tightly. “I don’t know what you’re doing to hide it from me, but I’m going to ask you one more time before I really lose it.”

Jim pulled back slightly to look into Spock’s eyes. “Put it back,” he said softly, the rage drained out of his voice only to be replaced by a sad desperation. “Let me show you that I love you. Put it back.”

Spock half collapsed into Jim’s arms and Jim’s mind was flooded with silver-gold light. Spock’s love and desperation and gratitude flooded into him from all sides, overwhelming his senses.

Both laid there in silence, resting in each other’s arms for a moment, adjusting to the bond. 

“Thank you,” Spock whispered into Jim’s neck. “Thank you, I do not deserve you.”

Jim pressed Spock closer to him and rested his cheek on his smooth hair. “Whether or not we deserve each other is up for debate,” Jim said softly. “But I don’t give a damn anymore.”

Jim pressed a soft kiss to the crown of Spock’s head before continuing, “You’re stuck with me now Spock.” Jim tightened his arms around Spock’s back. “I’m not letting you go.”

Spock made a soft sound of agreement into Jim’s throat.

Jim pulled back, putting a few inches of space between them so that he could get a full look at Spock’s face, no longer closed behind a facade of cold, blank indifference. 

“If this is going to work, if we are going to manage this and be happy,” Jim said as he looked Spock dead in the eye, “then you are never going to do that to me again.” Jim’s tone held a finality to it that filled the room. 

“I don’t care what happens, I don’t care if you’re angry or hurt or if you feel like it’s best for me. You will never shut me out like that again.”

Spock met Jim’s gaze with a guilty expression and nodded his head. 

“I need to hear you say it,” Jim said quietly.

Spock’s tone was hoarse from disuse and dehydration, but he spoke clearly as he looked at Jim. “I apologize, not only for the actions that caused you physical pain, but also for attempting to block you out.” Spock took a deep breath before continuing, “It is your right as my th’y’la to become one with all that I am. I will not deny you that right again.”

Spock pressed their foreheads together again and then brushed his fingers along Jim’s in a soft Vulcan kiss. Jim attempted to reciprocate, so lost in Spock’s words that he forgot his broken wrist.

Jim hissed in pain and Spock pulled away sharply. “We must get you to med bay immediately. I apologize for not addressing your injuries before anything else,” Spock said as he reached toward the com unit on the wall to contact Dr. McCoy. 

Jim reached out with his good hand and pressed the button before Spock could reach it. 

“Hey Bones, I’m sorry you weren’t invited to the wedding, but I think it’s time for the reception,” Jim said loudly into the intercom.

Spock looked at Jim incredulously, the dark cloud around him bleeding away in shock at Jim’s tone. 

“Goddammit Jim you sure know how to make an entrance,” McCoy responded gruffly. “Glad you made it out ok, how’s Spock?” The Vulcan in question could hear the concern in the doctor’s voice.

Before Jim could answer, Spock interjected, “The captain did not make it out ok.” Spock said sharply. “He has two bruised ribs, a fractured wrist, and lacerations and bruising on his hips, thighs, buttocks, shoulders, and back” Spock said darkly. He hesitated before continuing, “he will also need to be treated for anal tearing and the severe bite wounds on his neck will need to be disinfected and dressed.”

Spock looked down at his own hands in horror before finishing his commentary. “I am unharmed.”

“Spock, don’t -” Jim started before McCoy cut him off. “Both of you come to medbay right now. You can blame each other for whatever you want once I’ve treated you both.” 

The call cut out abruptly, leaving Spock and Jim to sit in heavy silence.

“It isn’t your fault Spock,” Jim said, attempting to push comfort and warmth across the bond.

Spock’s shoulders relaxed slightly at the feeling before he tensed up once more and looked away. “The doctor is right, we must head to medbay to address your injuries.”

Spock stood up from the bed and walked toward his closet to grab his robe, leaving Jim alone on the bed. The bond between them was quiet.

\----- 

Spock sat quietly on the cot in medbay, hooked up to a saline drip to treat his dehydration and a tricorder to monitor his vitals which were slowly falling back to normal. He watched as Dr. McCoy ran a dermal regenerator over Jim’s injuries and set the break in his wrist for the second time that week. The second time because of Spock.

McCoy finally finished treating the worst of Jim’s injuries. The broken ribs and wrist had been fixed first, they would be tender for the next few days but the worst of the damage was gone. Then McCoy took Jim to the back room to address the internal tearing. The bruising was left for last, and though McCoy had done his best to treat the worst of it, the bruising on Jim’s neck, wrist, and hip remained, splotches of green-purple that would need to finish healing on their own. 

Neither Jim nor Spock had spoken during the ordeal and the tension was nearly suffocating.

“Alright,” McCoy said as he put the dermal regenerator down with a loud bang. Jim and Spock jumped inadvertently at the noise.

“I’m not just going to let you two sit here and stew in your misery,” McCoy said irritably and turned to Jim. “Spock loves you. He may be utter shit at showing it but he loves you more than I’ve ever seen anyone love anyone else and you’d be an absolute fool to throw away that kind of love and dedication out of stubborn, pigheaded spite.” 

Jim said nothing and clenched his hands against the cot. 

McCoy sighed and turned to Spock, “Jim has given you everything that you could have wanted. You’re bonded now, you’re both alive and relatively unharmed. Now crawl out of the hole of your self-induced misery, stop blaming yourself, and be happy for once in your godforsaken life.”

McCoy turned away from them and stormed off, only pausing at the door to say one last barb at the both of them, “Pull your heads out of your respective asses and look at what’s in front of you. Talk to each other, because this is your fuck up and I’m not going to stand around and pick up the pieces.” 

Jim and Spock watched in silence as McCoy disappeared down the hall. They both stared off into the distance, neither wanting to make the first move, to risk saying the wrong thing.

Jim was about to bite the bullet and open his mouth when he felt a gentle warmth at the back of his mind. He turned to look at Spock questioningly.

Spock met his gaze and said nothing, but Jim felt a burst of feeling flow across their bond. 

_ Loyalty. Dedication. Frustration. Fear. Worry. Friendship. Family. Hope. So much fucking hope.  _

_ And Love _ , shining through all of the other emotions, hitting Jim in the chest and lighting up the bond like a livewire.

_ “This is what I feel for you,”  _ Spock said through the bond. A bright light flowed over Jim and he saw an image of clean, brilliant silver-gold star illuminating a dark void.  _ “This is what you are to me. Las'hark. You are the sun.”  _

The image started to fade but Jim grabbed onto it with a feeling of desperation, needing to show Spock that he felt the same. He reached for their bond and sent out a litany of images and memories, clumsily attempting to show Spock exactly how he felt.

_ The first time he saw Spock in his professor blacks across from the testing module. Frustration. Anger. Respect. Curiosity. _

_ The first time Spock stood next to him on the bridge. Rightness. Completion. Solidarity. This is how it was always meant to be. _

_ Spock sitting across from him in his quarters, losing their 58th chess game. Contentment. Friendship. Peace. _

_ The little quirk of Spock’s brow when he’s being sarcastic. The way it furrows slightly when he’s frustrated. The small uptick of his lip that means he’s laughing on the inside. The softness of his gaze when he is relaxed and calm. Happiness. Wonder. Love. This is what forever feels like. _

Jim felt Spock shudder under the onslaught of memories, and pulled back to let him recover. Spock pulled Jim back in before he could retreat and held him close in their joined mental state, both sitting quietly, resting against each other as they laid in the warm light of the golden sea illuminated by stars.

After a long time, both gently pulled out of the bond and regained awareness. They had reached out to each other at some point and were holding hands softly in the space between the cots.

Spock looked up at Jim and softly said, “You say that there is nothing to forgive, and I will try to believe you. But I will do whatever it takes to prove my dedication to you.” Spock released Jim’s hand to gently stroke the side of his face. “I will spend the rest of my life proving that I am worthy of your love.”

Jim caught Spock’s hand and pressed it to his lips, kissing his palm gently before saying, “and I will spend the rest of mine showing you that you have nothing to prove.”

The bond flared brightly with Jim’s words, he could feel it settling in, filling a void that had been previously unknown and soothing the wounds of years of loneliness.

“We’re in this together, Spock,” Jim said. “It isn’t always going to be easy, and we’re both going to fuck up. But this is it, this is us.” Jim smiled at Spock softly.

Spock pulled one of his hands from Jim’s grasp to stroke two fingers across the bruise on Jim’s wrist before sliding his fingers down to meet Jim’s in a lingering Vulcan kiss.

Spock smiled at Jim with his eyes and a gentle twitch of his lips and said, “This is what forever feels like.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! This was my first fanfic so any positive comments or constructive criticism are appreciated! 
> 
> Also, let me know if you guys are interested in an epilogue or mini-sequel about our boys figuring out their relationship.
> 
> Thanks for the kudos and support, love ya'll! :)


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